heartache

Reach a point where life is too hard.  Bound by duty and love of others to put one foot ahead of the other and repeat.  And repeat. 

Wondering. 

People say they love me.  I believe them. But they don't give me what i desperately need.  I don't ask for riches. I don't ask for hard things. All i ask for is love the way I'd like it. I'm not not asking for hardship from anyone. Is respect a hardship. Is touch a hardship. 

How did i get to be so old and never find anyone to love me as I'd like. I can only think after two marriages and four kids it must be somehow my fault but i don't know what i did.  I don't know how to make it better and i don't know how to face tomorrow without a clue that the test of my life will be any better. 

Building a waterfall

Today I started gardening the top part of the block. Until now, I have given it zero thought. Friday night I hovered over it for 40 minutes or so trying to decide if I was going to raise or lower the terrain. This morning I decided to raise.

Because the edge of my land zigzags along the border with my neighbour, terra-forming the land is tricky. And because the dividing range of hill is on my neighbour's side, I can't raise my side without leaving a trench at the edge of her hill. The obvious thing to do then was to continue the stream that falls into the lagoon at the bottom of my garden.

I have spent the morning and a largish portion of the afternoon playing with rocks to build the waterfall into the hillside. Because Technically a lot of the rocks are on the neighour's land, I have had to make sure that they were all anchored to something in my parcel to stop them being returned. A very odd situation. She can't even see all that I am doing from her space.

The stream follows the hill's edge past Glass Knight's house and then down into the lake and from there to the sea.

Under the bridges and out past Glass Knight's little retreat on the island and my home....

Gardening

Happily Gardening again in SL - I have been creating an oriental-feel. Not attempting authenticity, but enjoying blossoms and hints of red.

The idea of the block was a home for my daughters who are now old enough to play. But it turns out I am incorrigible and swiftly set to landscaping

Speed though isn't the aim. I am adoring my time building and so not want it to end! Each day I do a little bit. Each little bit is like a delicate mouthful of some gourmet taste. I let it linger and dwell on the  thrill. Means I am swooping through my garden using my camera, appreciating all the angles, and checking out spots to work on next.

In World

So!
This is living happily ever after!

During the day I go to RL work and I can't tell you how much I am not enjoying that. But coming home, I find my Taz. In fact he comes and finds me at work each day. And that is what bliss feels like.

In the time since I was living in SL I have been very busy in RL and mostly building a new home and setting up a garden. And the not so small detail of marrying my SL partner friend and great joy, Taz.

So all the planning is done. The activity has settled, and though I know all the things I wanted are around me, I have been really battling with depression once more.

I wish that black dog would just leave me alone!

So when it gets bad enough I end up standing still, clawing at my misery, clawing at my Taz until I realise I need to do something. And I know things that help.
Vitamin B and creativity.

Steelhead Lighthouse and St Albans house rebuilt

In a few weeks I will be getting a kiln and that excites me a lot but in the weeks until then I have allowed myself some play in SL once more.
I have been putting out some of my favourite things. Things I had forgotten and others I treasure.

The maker of my chair no longer has an in-world store

A sad thing has been reading the profiles of many of the creators to find out that they are not in world anymore. Little sadnesses.

But a big happiness is sitting by the sea with my tiger in our sl home. RL and SL Mr and Mrs Belgar.

Taz and I sharing some bliss