I sat for a while trying to think of a title for this blog. And I can't
do it. One word can't sum it up and a sentence won't either so I will
just have to write the story.
In February 2007 my brother went out riding his bicycle at about 6:30am
and became a paraplegic not long after when he was hit by a car.
Well his life was turned upside down on that moment. Our family's was. I
can't claim to have suffered like Michael, or Gabrielle or their kids
or Mum and Dad- but it was one of those times when suddenly I saw
everything differently.
I couldn't go to church anymore because I just cried. And after 43 years
of being a very good Catholic, suddenly I wasn't. And no one came to
look for me. I find one fact as startling as the other. So I mourned for
my lost faith as well. It wasn't that I wanted to believe, I just
missed it. I wished I could pray for Michael to get better. It made me
happy when people told me they were praying for him. I was happy for
them to have that faith. I missed mine, it had helped define who I was.
Stripped of my faith - it was like a river no longer contained by its
banks. I had been following the only course and suddenly I was - free.
Not irresponsible. Not without care. But I was free to look at my life
and see what was working and where I was and where I was heading and
decide if that was going to make this life worth living.
The casualty was my marriage. For a decade I had felt alone in it. I had
not been nourished by it and I felt I had given everything for it. We
probably both felt exactly the same way, except I had no feelings left
for it at all. Now, having seen Michael nearly lose his life, it was
important to me to grab the life I had left.
The coincidence is that in 2006 I had stumbled into an online world. And
became Audrey. The amazing thing is that while other people used their
avatars to be someone else, I used mine to be me! And I loved it. I
loved being me. Probably this is what all those American analysts mean
when they say love yourself.
I was astounded to find that people liked to be with me. I had been so
lonely in my marriage that I had long since stopped believing in myself.
I think my ex-husband believes even less in himself, so he has never
been strong enough to hold up my saggy ego.
All this was bubbling along at or just beneath the surface of my life.
And then I met Mark. There is a story of meeting him for the first time
but the thing I remember most clearly was hoping to meet him again. He
intrigued me. We played together in Fathom, my twilight island. We
played with Xavier, and Des and Reese and Eleanor and perhaps Corcosman
even wandered by?
I know I told him I had no interest in pursuing a 'relationship'. But I
got used to the tiger who came and sat with me and watched the moon
rise.
And now in 36 days time - three and a half years later - he is coming to visit.
