Sunday, January 2, 2011

2010/2011

Otenth mentioned in Plurk-land that he had taken time to look at his year and his outlook for the next (Otenth's Blog) so maybe I should give something similar as shot?
2010 RL: A balancing act has been played between the happiness of my children, my (estranged) husband, my partner, Taz, my work and colleagues and myself.
Over and again I put other's happiness before my own and then found that life was not going to be survivable if I didn't insert my happiness somewhere into the equation. Then when I asserted my own happiness I felt so selfish I could barely move.
So I thrashed around in indecision.

My parents reached out to me with an offer I was too proud to accept. Finally though, I confided in a good friend of mine who put a simple notion to me: If my children were ever to find themselves in my situation and I had the capacity to help them, wouldn't I want, and insist on giving them that help?

There was only one answer to that and I asked my parents for their help which they have readily done and their generosity makes me proud to be their daughter.

And so my marriage is over.
First time I have ever typed that. It's not easy but it is a relief. I regret for my husbands sake that it has come to this. I think I expected too much and he too little. And neither compromising.

There will be definitely some who will see the causes as SL and my partner. I get a feeling people think I should not want to admit the truth "yes" which in part it was. But it certainly is not that simple.

Before SL I felt emotionally dead and essentially worthless. There I found out that I had value somewhere and that there was a chance to aim for happiness. SL didn't break my marriage, but it did give me confidence and reason to leave the broken marriage behind.

So 2010 has been a year where my past has been in my head constantly as I have tried to be objective; when I have had the care of many people in my hands; where I have had the plans for my future and my kids and my work and my husband and my partner Taz; concerns for parents who are making a sacrifice for me. No wonder my brain gave up dealing with it and wrote those tragic blogs a couple of months ago.

So!
2011?
Well if I can get this arranged, the plan is to build a new house near this one so that my kids can move freely between homes.
The plan is to go to full time work
The plan is to see how many Tiny dresses I can sell and each time I get a little more money, I pay a little more tier, and when the money runs out, then I will become a homeless SL vagrant :) But this doesn't worry me like it once would have.
My SL was because my RL wasn't.
I am frightened and excited. I will be poor but I will explore who I am. I look forward to being a better mother to my kids as I embrace my life again.
I hope I am on the right path

3 comments:

Otenth Paderborn said...

What a lovely post (if full of hard reality). I'm humbled to have inspired you.

Fogwoman Gray said...

You are such a wonderful and brave lady. And and inspiration to all of us!
Sometimes a bit of pruning is necessary for health and beauty. I suspect your blossoms will be pretty spectacular :)

Cathy and Audrey said...

blushing.. not really inspirational.. just common garden vairety mid-life issue that I gather lots of people go through too... but thank you