Saturday, November 20, 2010

Attention Seeking

Something you see a fair bit of in SL is attention seeking. I think I know what it is. I think it is me too.
Feeling hollow and wanting to be filled.
I guess the trick is to fill yourself.
Some trick
I hate having a clear vision of myself. It would nice to be attention seeking and not realise it. Just go out, make a fuss, enjoy it and move on to the next bout.

But I do see myself fairly clearly. Maybe a little unkindly. But I would rather add a few warts to my "warts and all" view of myself than wander around blaming everyone else for my current state.

I took myself to the doctors this week and have come up with a trifecta. Depression, stress and anxiety. Slightly less anxiety but a goodish portion none-the-less.

I have a prescription for anti-depressants. My first. I walked round with it yesterday without getting it filled. It was a comfort to me that it was there.. That it could help if I needed it. I thought maybe carrying it was all I would need.

Today I need to go fetch those drugs. Today I relied on some one to fill the hole and he couldn't. How can I say that is his fault? Should he have tried? Is he just tired of trying?
I don't know. But I do know I need some help and I need to be responsible. So I am waving good bye to the high happies. And I am hoping so much to say goodbye to the lows.

Next piece of AudSLife is going to be MedicatedAudSlife :)
I grin wryly

(and I wonder.. how is it possible to swing so vastly over hours. Is this what depression is supposed to be? Aren't I supposed to curl up into a ball and not move from my bed? How come I can get up go to work, crack jokes, then curl into a ball and sob, then get up and do it all again?)

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